10 days ago, I decided to do something different. I don’t know where this path will lead me, but today, I am celebrating little victories.
10 Days Ago
I have discipline issues. They say that the first step to anything is admitting it.
“Hello, my name is Mystic and I have discipline issues.”
My Goof doesn’t always help. He has some discipline issues of his own. And together, we are two peas in a pod – going through life like happy children who are simply thrilled to have found a companion that is into all the same things that we are. Together, we are more than happy to watch all the movies while eating all the junk food while drinking all the beer and vodka we feel like drinking, and then we will play music and sing until we finally decide (around two or three in the morning) that it might be a good idea to get some sleep.
Unfortunately, we can’t get away with behaving like that very often, and so we don’t. But still, we do it more often than we should, I’m sure. And while there is a lot to be said for living your life in the moment and enjoying your now – it has also been getting increasingly harder for me to “enjoy my now” when my body is screaming at me to knock my sh** off.
Time to Do Something Different
My honey and I decided to start a blog. This blog. We talked about it for months before we did it, and in May, we took the leap, bought our URL, and paid for hosting. We started, bit by bit, to put this blog together as a mutual project.
Oh, but those discipline issues. The best intentions and all that. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to do it. It was more that neither of us were quite sure what it was we were doing. I do have some knowledge, since I’ve been creating blog content for sale for a year or so now, and getting more acquainted with what bloggers do. But I still have a LOT to learn. And my honey was into it but knew even less.
And there was always something else that needed done. Or something else we’d rather do. Or the weather wasn’t right that day. You may know how that goes. You can want to do something. You can plan to do something. But until you make yourself do something – nothing gets done. Our blog was languishing under the same discipline issues that kept me eating the wrong foods and kept us both drinking more than we should.
It was time for a change. I’m severely overweight – scarily so. And our financial situation, while slightly better than it was for a while, is also scary. It’s really hard to come up from rock bottom, though. It’s hard and it is scary in its own way. Even when things aren’t good, there is comfort in familiarity.
Blogging Means Allowing Myself to Be Seen
I do a fair amount of hiding. I always have. I’m actually certain that this is one of the reasons (one of the MANY, MANY reasons) why I am such a large woman. I hide behind my “fat suit.” People don’t usually see me. They see whatever their personal filter tells them when they see a very fat and ungainly person in front of them. And although their looks and glances of disapproval hurt (especially when they come from someone I know but haven’t seen for a while) they also aren’t really about ME. They are about the surface – the shell – the mask I wear.
One thing you can say about a fat suit: The fake people and jerks tend to weed themselves out of your life rather efficiently.
But blogging, especially if I ever talk about my weight and weight loss, necessitates allowing people to see the me inside the suit. The “man behind the curtain” so to speak. And that is a scary thing.
Hell, it’s absolutely petrifying for me to sit here and talk about my weight at all, just right out here in the open like this. And how weird is that? I mean, it’s not like it stops existing just because I refuse to discuss it.
But, a couple of weeks ago, something happened. And while it was a wonderful thing that happened, it left me feeling incredibly exposed and sad and full of shame. Even now as I talk about it, my eyes are welling up.
I was confronted with myself. It was not a happy moment in Loon-world.
But the First Step is Admitting It
So there it was, and there was no denying it. There was no longer any reason to shy away from it. I might as well deal with this whole weight loss thing (the elephant in the room – pun intended) straight up, the way that works best for me most of the time anyway.
I decided to clean up my diet again in a big way. I told Goof that I wanted to cut the alcohol way back and get back on a more “low-carb-paleo-ish” way of eating. Yeah, I know. It would take too long to explain. I just know what works for me, when I take the time to do it.
The thing is, this isn’t the first time I’ve made this declaration. Goof has heard it several times over the years. And I’ll do good for a little while. When I went on Whole 30, I did good for 18 days. But I always seem to reach a point where I think, “good enough” and I just go back to my old ways. I hear the siren call of fried chicken and lose my mind. I don’t know.
And because he loves me, Goof doesn’t see the reality of me, either. He just sees me as his “adorable Baby and her adorable chicken addiction” and doesn’t think twice about getting me whatever my heart desires.
It’s great to be loved like that. It really is. Even if it isn’t always helpful.
But Then I Found a Cool Challenge
A while back, I found out about this pretty cool thing called the 30 Day Blogging Challenge. I wasn’t in the right place to start the challenge, but I “Liked” the Facebook page so I wouldn’t forget.
Ten days ago, I saw a post in there from someone I know. Here I was, feeling so crappy, exposed, annoyed with myself, determined to change – and this challenge just kind of presented itself. Write 30 blog posts in 30 days. I really didn’t know if I could do that.
But I signed up. I decided to see what I could do if I really put my mind to it. I started my 30 day challenge on August 7th and today is my 10th day of steady blogging. It is also my 10th day of staying on my eating plan.
The Temptation to Diminish a Victory
Of course, as soon as I pat myself on the back, at all, for staying on track and meeting my own goals for ten days straight, that other voice speaks up. “It’s only ten days. What are you all happy about? You’ve done good before. You always fail eventually.”
Why do we do that? Humans, I mean. I know I’m not the only one. Why do we immediately shoot ourselves down like that?
I am choosing to celebrate this little victory. I am choosing to be proud of myself for hanging in there, and especially for doing my writing each and every day.
And even if I screw up tomorrow, I’ll know I did it for 10 Days. And if I can do it for 10 Days once, I can do it again. And again.
What little victories are you celebrating? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!